RMTT #14 – The Buried Dreams Edition

9 Dec

With every ounce of my being, I love these little people. I made them with the love of my life, and we made them from love, and I love them. I do. I would not trade them for all the tea in China.

But maybe that’s because I’m not a huge fan of tea…

At the moment, they absolutely define me. One is three and a half years old. The other just turned one. So life is all about them right now. It has to be. And it should be. And day to day, that fills me up.

But I have just been looking at an old friend’s Facebook page. Years back, we took some acting classes together. We clicked instantly. (No, this isn’t another story about Kat Stewart although would you believe it, she does pop up later). Time marched on, I had a couple of kids and she is still hugely proactive in building her career as an actor. As rightly she should. She is extremely talented.

So I just watched her showreel – several minutes worth of clips of her best performance work. And it was brilliant. She’s gorgeous and fabulous and talented and her reel sells her wonderfully.

I was happy for her.

As well as feeling like I had a giant emptiness in my belly, as though someone had just socked me. Even now, as I type, I feel it creeping up into my chest.

I am filled with….what? Envy? Longing? Regret? I don’t know. All of it.

I was thinking about dreams recently. Not the kind you have while sleeping but the kind that grow like a seed inside you. In my twenties, I was good to my dreams. I believed in them, I fostered them and nurtured them the best way I knew how.

Having children was also a dream of mine. One I am very happily living out. But what of the other dreams?

“Having kids doesn’t kill your dreams. It buries them alive. With a mobile phone that keeps sending you text messages – “Hey, remember me?” “I’m not dead!” “Help me – I NEED to get out!”

I wrote that down in my notebook a while back.

Not everyone feels that way. Some people were born to be a mother and in becoming so, they fulfill their greatest dream. They are content.

For me, becoming a mother is a dream come true, too.

But I am, and have always been, a person with lots of dreams. I want to do EVERYTHING.

Ticking the mother box is awesome. A blessing.

But there are still so many other boxes.

So, I was happy for my acting friend. And overwhelmed by a sense of longing to be back in that world even in some small capacity.

But dreams don’t die unless you want them to. And with acting, the truth of it is that until I am dead, that dream can continue to have the potential to be fulfilled. In fact, as I get older, the talent pool is rapidly shrinking – most people get out if they haven’t ‘made it’ by the end of their twenties. But women in their twenties are the most over-represented demographic in the acting world which means it is the most competitive age bracket in which to be attempting a career. Being in my thirties may actually benefit my acting career.

So, there ahead in the tunnel, a light.

Of course, I experience residual guilt after these ‘episodes’. My kids are little gifts from above. Little bastards, too, sometimes but gifts. Treasures. And it’s hard to reconcile the overwhelming love I have for them, the joy that goes with being their mother, with the competing desire to be someone else, too, someone separate.

There is no answer to any of this. Tomorrow, these feelings will have subsided and I will still be a mum to two of the most beautiful little boys on the planet. And my dreams will be tucked safely away in my soul, waiting for a rainy day.

In the meantime, I suggest you watch this*.  And remember the name – Elke Osadnik. She’s going to be a star.

* Kat Stewart alert!

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8 Responses to “RMTT #14 – The Buried Dreams Edition”

  1. Elke Osadnik December 9, 2010 at 8:41 pm #

    Oh my goodness! Dear Angie – I just cried reading that. I think about you so often and too sit with a bit of envy or ‘something’ for the life you live with your gorgeous fella and two divine children whom I love watching grow online. I cannot believe that in this little bubble of occasional self-doubt and disbelief that I too live in at times, that someone could be so kind and loving as to write something like this.

    I have missed you so much Angie (gosh we had fun INSTANTLY yeah)? I still remember being so ridiculously impressed by your great performance on ‘Secret Life…’ and that ‘vomit’ scene.

    Let’s get together when I am back and share each others’ dreams a little more…?!

    All my love to you and your new family. I cannot wait to meet them.

    Love you Angie and thank you.
    Elks xxx

  2. Barbara Ozga December 9, 2010 at 10:29 pm #

    I so feel for you. I’m in the same boat with 2 little boys, 3 and a half and just turned one. Love them bits but had to sit down about a month ago and work out just when I can scratch some decent chunks of time back to continue working on my book. I know they’re only little for such a short amount of time, so I need to just hang in there and work in little bursts until the eldest starts prep. *sigh* Keep up the good work!

    • Angie aka The Little Mumma December 10, 2010 at 11:35 am #

      Indeed, the time will come when they’re all off to school and I might just be bouncing around an empty house looking for something to do. Ha! As if. I might just sit and stare at the wall for a whole week – just because I can!

  3. Brooke Dell-Sewell December 10, 2010 at 1:36 pm #

    You’re a good egg Angel. The world needs a dozen more of you in it. xx
    Sometimes too, its more than the dream, its the actual catching of it. The attainment. Thinking you can never reach it now…thats what bites, maybe not living the dream, but not being able to even get to the dream?
    I pursued and caught my dream, and it turned out not to be what it was cracked up to be. I like my new reality better, even on days like today which are an epic fail. It’s a reality I never wanted for myself. Funny how life works out…
    Food for thought…

    • Angie aka The Little Mumma December 10, 2010 at 2:29 pm #

      Yep, I think the fact that there really is no extra time in the day to even think about pursuing that particular line is the hardest…especially when you see someone else really making things happen for themselves. And also, because I have worked as a professional actor before, I know how right that fit feels. In the same way that being a mum was an instant and wonderful fit. So then, it comes down to the old argument of “can you have it all?” to which I think the answer is yes, but not at the same time.

  4. Alexandra December 13, 2010 at 5:14 pm #

    You sound like me today.

    I was going to publish a book. I knew I was. And then the babies came.

    Still, deep down..I wouldn’t trade them for anything, success, my book on a shelf…anything.

    I adore them.

  5. kris January 7, 2011 at 5:02 am #

    This sounds so very much like me around my 40th birthday. Such a very hard year for me. A recognition that I had chosen a path and that other paths were now closed. Not that I even wanted to travel on those paths, exactly . . . but the realization that all things were no longer possible?

    That choices were actually choices?

    That choosing one thing meant that another thing disappeared?

    That was hard.

    I am happier now than I was a few years ago.

    Happier with who I am.

    Happier with the choices I have made.

    But damn . . . 40 was way hard.

    Sigh.

    • Angie aka The Little Mumma January 7, 2011 at 9:57 am #

      Well, I’m peaking early then! I think it’s the acting industry. Youth being the thing and all. Turning 25 almost destroyed me.

      But actually, I do like myself now much more than I did at 25.

      Having very small children is so all-consuming. I need to surrender myself to this stage. It won’t last and no doubt, I will lament it’s passing.

      Oh but the itch of possibility. The things I could do!

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