Little Tales – Taiwan and Toothless

8 Jan

I smile for no one

I admit, it was all because of my addiction to catalogues.

If I’d just put up that “No Junk Mail” sign on my letterbox, it would never have happened.

But I was weak and Go-Lo were advertising some amazing pieces of utter shit from Taiwan that cost 7 cents to make and that I could buy for the bargain price of 2 bucks.

The local Go-Lo was located in a little shopping strip that might best be described as down at the heel. A bit povo, if you will. The main attraction within the strip was a massive establishment that offered both pokies and an all you can eat buffet restaurant. So, suffice it to say, it attracted a certain kind of clientele.

But my classist snobbery was no match for my desperate need to purchase junk from a discount store.

It was pre-Zee. LD must have been around 9 months old. He was sitting in the pram, his normally angelic demeanour having been pushed to breaking point by my endless laps up and down the crap-filled aisles. He could not be drawn on the wonder of half price tealight candles, nor was he feeling the thrill I was currently experiencing at the plastic hairbrush that was only $1 and smelled a little like petrol.

We stood in line at the registers. With my credit card, I paid a lazy $50 for my purchases at the $2 shop (hang on, what the fuck?). LD was sitting quietly but I felt, not particularly patiently.

That’s when she noticed him.

She came from…I have to say, nowhere. Just appeared. And then there was nothing but her.

She stood about 5″5. Average height. I suppose she was overweight but not freakishly so – although she would definitely have benefitted from the wearing of a bra. Her hair was mousey, long, straggly. Very straggly. And she had approximately three teeth.

“Oh, what a cutie!” she exclaimed, sticking her face as close as she could to LD as he sat in his pram.

To be fair, he was a wildly attractive baby whose cuteness never failed to draw comment whenever we ventured out. But he didn’t smile. At anybody. People would ape and coo and carry on and this kid gave them donuts. A big fat nothing. So cute but not friendly. No.

At this point, the woman may have asked me how old LD was. And maybe I answered absent-mindedly. But all I remember is looking on, bewildered, as my infant son fairly beamed at the toothless hag.

I mean, his smile lit up the Go-Lo store like it was Christmas.

“Oh my God,” I breathed, “he never smiles at anyone.”

“Oh well,” she said happily, “It’s probably because we have the same amount of teeth!”

“Yes!” I agreed. “A kindred spirit.”

The words, as they fell from my mouth, almost gagged me. What the fuck was I saying?

As I was finishing up at the checkout and struggling with the various oversized pieces of Taiwanese bargaintry, the toothless hag spoke.

“You’ve got your hands full. Do you want me to push the pram back to your car?” She took hold of the pram and began steering it out of the store.

“Oh thanks,” I said, shaking my head, trying to hang 37 plastic bags from my arms and reach for the pram, “I’ve got i-”

“Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” screamed the hag as she ran, barefoot, down the footpath, the pram holding my tiny son hurtling precariously along.

I struggled haplessly after them, 37 bags of flimsy imported plastic suddenly weighing a tonne.

“Where’s your car?” the hag was looking back at me, having slowed her pace not a bit as far as I could tell. Her unrestrained breasts were swinging haphazardly to and fro.

“Just up here!” I cried, “You can slow down.”

At this point, Toothless did slow into a walk and I hurried to catch up. I shuffled ahead so as to catch a glimpse of my son’s face. Huh. Still delighted.

As I began putting all 37 bags in the boot of my car, Toothless began to give me marital advice.

“Now don’t you let that man of yours try to get in your pants again if you’re not ready. You’re tired with a baby. If he complains about it, you tell him it’s his fault you’re tired in the first place. If he wasn’t always trying to get some, you wouldn’t have had a baby would you?”

She cackled and winked at me knowingly.

I giggled nervously and swallowed a little bit of vomit that has risen up into my mouth.

“After my son was born, my bloke always wanted sex. Heaps of it. I told him, ‘I need a break! You try giving birth, mate. Nothin’s the same down there!’ I told him to sort himself out!”

Again with the cackling. And the winking.

By now, I was literally throwing the bags into the car, shoving things into the tailpipe, I didn’t care.

“Well,” I said, in that way that wraps a conversation up.

“You remember what I said! If you don’t want sex, you tell him to bugger off!” Toothless beamed at me, a sisterhood bond.

“Oh, I sure will!” I said, now strapping LD into his car seat with an urgency befitting a person competing in the Baby Restraint Championships.

And then I was behind the wheel of the car, manoeuvering out of the parking lot while in the rearview mirror, Toothless waved us goodbye.

At which point, LD began to wail.

No doubt, he was missing his kindred spirit……

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12 Responses to “Little Tales – Taiwan and Toothless”

  1. Ladybird January 8, 2011 at 8:43 pm #

    oh fuck me. I just weed. And not a little. Alot. Does toothless hag have any advice about the ‘ol pelvic floor?

    Ah, thank you for that my friend. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    • Angie aka The Little Mumma January 9, 2011 at 8:33 am #

      No doubt she would have had gems a plenty to share, Ladybird. Sadly, we didn’t exchange phone numbers.

      Oh and you’re welcome, welcome, welcome. xxxx

  2. Janeo January 8, 2011 at 8:54 pm #

    LOVE IT!!!!!!! Its the best have the most adorable little bundles but it attracts the weirdest in your face crazy people in the world…. I even had one nutter ask to hold Lila NOT IN YOUR LIFE LOVEY… But touching gets me don’t touch MY BABY with your hands that have been in places i DO NOT want to imagine BACK AWAY FROM THE GORGEOUS BABY!!!!!!

    • Angie aka The Little Mumma January 9, 2011 at 8:36 am #

      Thanks Janeo! xxx

      And yes, STEP AWAY FROM THE BABY! Beauty is a magnet though – what are we to do with our beautiful children???

  3. Bilby January 8, 2011 at 10:23 pm #

    I always enjoy reading about the Little Mumma’s antics but this was nothing short of pure gold! Love it, LOVE IT! I could picture every part of that encounter taking place… alarming at the time but amusing in hindsight!! 🙂

    • Angie aka The Little Mumma January 9, 2011 at 8:35 am #

      Thanks love. xx

      Even as it was unfolding in all its horrifying glory, I knew it would be a story to dine out on for years to come!

  4. MJ January 9, 2011 at 5:26 am #

    “I giggled nervously and swallowed a little bit of vomit that has risen up into my mouth.”

    Oh, I love it. What other gems from yesteryear do you have?

    • Angie aka The Little Mumma January 9, 2011 at 8:38 am #

      Thanks MJ. xx

      I believe I may have one or two more tucked away in the dark recesses of this little brain.

  5. Belle January 9, 2011 at 8:30 am #

    That was beyond hliarious honey!!!! Thanx for the cackle!!!!

    • carol townsend January 9, 2011 at 2:06 pm #

      will be chuckling over this one for a long time to come,

      • Angie aka The Little Mumma January 9, 2011 at 6:57 pm #

        It’s quite the story, isn’t it?

    • Angie aka The Little Mumma January 9, 2011 at 6:06 pm #

      Thank you, Miss Belle!

      Glad to be of service. xxx

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